Inspired by North Easton's commitment, I did write a song this week, but it's not winning any awards! However, I did come up with a few lines and melody fragments I might use elsewhere.
Michael Holland's week 1 blog set me off on this assignment. He wrote about Sinatra and the song "Polkadots and Moonbeams" by Jimmy Van Heusen and Johny Burke. I've always admired this writing ... something about the way they put a pug-nosed girl at the centre of a beautiful love song. I also liked the way they put conversation into a song (eg. I felt a bump and heard an "oh, beg your pardon"). Years ago, I took this song as a model and tried to write a new, longer lyric based on the same rhythmic structure, but I was unable to put music to it because I kept hearing the original song.
I pulled it out of my "dead" file, changed the verse line lengths as per the exercise, and added a chorus (the original didn't have one). Total re-write, really.
My verse ideas ... guy frequents a diner because he is attracted to the waitress but hasn't yet worked up the courage to ask her out. Why? Because he is so much older than she is. He's looking for a long-term relationship. She likes him and and wonders if he'll ever ask her out. Lots of uncertainty there, suitable for instability. Here is the uncertainty of new love.
For the stable chorus I chose the "Certainty of Long Love" - the stability that comes in a relationship that has weathered time. I had some fun using Pat's comments on what a stable chorus should do as analogies in my lyric. I also experimented with use of rhyme to add to the instability/stability, using perfect end phrase rhymes for the chorus and imperfect rhymes for the verses.
Here's what I came up with, the bolded sections being the actual assignment submission.
Certainty
of Long Love
VS.1 (stable)
She hands a menu to a lone evening diner
He makes a choice and as he closes the wine
list
Looks in her eyes, does she know how he
wants her?
Uncertainty, that new love brings
Shaking she pours, he feels a splash on his coat sleeve
Blushing she smiles, and sighs “I’m so
sorry”
Perhaps tonight he’ll ask her to join him
CH. 1 (stable, with title highlighting)
Oh there’s nothing
like the joy of a love that’s tested time
Like an old
familiar melody that rings in perfect rhyme
No guessing or
confusion
No blinding of
illusion
Like a grounding
chord in solid four
It gives us what
we’re longing for, the certainty of long love
VS.3 (unstable)
Behind the bar she comes and leans on my
shoulder
She says, “He’s handsome, but oh – so much
older
What does he see when he’s looking at me?”
VS. 4 (stable)
He stayed 'til closing and he helped with her jacket
Her name and number on a card in his pocket
Uncertainty turning to certainty
The certainty long love brings
VS. 4 (stable)
He stayed 'til closing and he helped with her jacket
Her name and number on a card in his pocket
Uncertainty turning to certainty
The certainty long love brings
CH.2 (stable, with title highlighting)
Oh there’s nothing
like the joy of a love that’s tested time
Like an old
familiar melody that rings in perfect rhyme
No guessing or
confusion
No blinding of
illusion
Like a grounding
chord in solid four
It gives us what
we’re longing for, the certainty of long love
Like a grounding chord in solid four
Like a grounding chord in solid four
It gives us what
we’re longing for, the certainty of long love
Wow, I love your verses, and I love your chorus, but you're right--they don't really seem "married" in the same song, right now. I don't know what to suggest except that it's possible they DON'T belong in the same song, and you could actually have two separate gems going on, here?
ReplyDeleteOh, just thought of one thing--this could be one of those cases where a few changes of tense or a progression of ideas in the chorus would help the song out. In the first chorus (and possibly the second), there could be a sense of "yearning" for that sureness, but not giving the impression that it's been achieved. In a bridge, you could give the "twist" of them reminiscing about how they met after a span of many years, and then plunk in the chorus you currently have. Just ideas.
Sidenote--one of my best friends met her husband, 26 years her senior, in just this way. They currently have four beautiful girls and have been married for almost ten years. :-)